THE GODDESS

I need A helping hand.

Look at me
Look at me

I am changing, tryin’ every way I can
I am changing, I’ll be better than I am
I’m trying-to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you-I need a hand

I am changing, seeing everything so clear
I am changing, I’m gonna start right now, right here
I’m hoping to work it out, and I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All my life I’ve been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost
How many dark nights have I known

Walking down that wrong road, there was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness-can make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing, tryin every way I can
I am changing, I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend-to help me start all over again,
oh-that would be just fine
I know it’s gonna work out this time
‘Cause this time I am-This time I am

I am changing, gonna get my life together now
I am changing, yes, I know how
I’m gonna start again, I’m leaving my past behind
I’ll change my life-I’ll make a vow
And nothing’s gonna stop me now

People have been asking me why i dont date. Well First i am in the
Philippines and Transpinay here have a hard time dealing with the
machismo mentality of the Filipino men. Somehow they think that dating
transpinays make them less of a man and sad to say that this make them
regard transpinays as someone to fuck (if they really need one) or someone that can be a source of extra money (if they are desperate)
Its really a sad reality and even sadder to say that my fellow sisters,
desperately fuel this kind of mentality by giving in to the whims of
their boyfriends.

But it is a different scenario outside this
country. Foreigners regard transgenders as someone hot, amazing and
lovely that they would treat their princesses royally. As one friend
told me. "Breakaway from your environment, explore and you will live an easy life, affluent even" and believe me, i’ve seen how men pursue someone like me.

But
as always, there is a downside on this, Men are naturally predictable,
They would promise you the whole world, promise better life but most
just wants to fulfill their sexual TG fantasy. TG CHASERS are these men
that actually chases after TGs and they will really hunt tg’s, shemales
or ladyboys. (shemales or ladyboys are regarded as prostitutes and
have sexual connotation that any respectable TG would frown when
someone calls them that)

Now someone argued that if men chase TG’s particularly Pre-opt tg’s (PRE-OPT
means they havent gone through sexual re-assignment surgery - simpler
terms, they still have the extra body part that a woman shouldnt have) This makes these men GAY.

As
i talk to other tg’s and men who likes them. it is not much about the
penis that they are after, it is the person that they want and as part
of loving (pleasuring) their woman. aside from the normal sex
routine, there are extra things done in the bedroom. and this doesnt
make them less of a man or nothin about it makes Tg’s less of a woman.

Now. having all this knowledge, why dont i use my lovely sexuality and  have a better love life and life in general?

Simple.
I know im smart and am a great person, which means i dont have to
resort to my sexuality to achieve the life that i wanted and
personally, using someone for my advantage contradicts with my values.
but hey im not saying i would totally ignore any help given to me, im
just sayin. i wont fulfill anyone’s tg fantasy just because he helped
me.

Now am i dating or not? i dunno, perhaps i am perhaps im not. c’mon let’s be honest, who gives a damn fuck!

Mr. Big of Carrie in Sex and the City is a succesful and sexy man, A great guy and a real charmer at that but underneath all that success is a scared, commitment phobic man. Who, just like every american guy that is so comfortable in single life. He is emotionally mute which drives the confident carrie insane at times.

I completely understand it now because i have my share of Mr. Big. Someone would think that I man so amazing wouldnt have a problem getting anyone he wants, but it turned out, most great guys are afraid of failed relationships and overtime, these failed relationships cripple their need to completely be intimate with someone. Eventhough their need to connect is unwavering, the thought of losing that love is more dreadful than the longing feel to be in love so they would just not RISK it.
“When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” ~Sex and the City.~

You once said that i shouldnt be feeling and thinking the way that i am feeling and thinking untill we actually meet. But now that we do have the chance to meet? why are you slipping away from me? ~CLIOGODDESS~

My dream MIGHT come true soon. I know i’ve waited all my life for this but i cant be help but feel scared.

Scared of the unknown.

My friends asks me, What is there to be scared of? and i really dont have a ready answer for that but one thing im sure of, Uncertainty makes my heart beat faster.

and
little worries make it even harder for me to think about this event?
what will i do? what will i wear? what stuff to talk about?.

I
dont know, Im such a mess right now coz i never really had someone
special in my life and i want this to be perfect and memorable. The
kind of memory that you wouldnt get tired of reminiscing and the kind
of memory that would make you smile eventhough things are getting worse.

People tell me not to worry to much, not to pay attention to this but how can i ignore something BIG like
this, I never really felt special in life even though there are people
out there who would say anything just to get kinky with me but nothing
like this.

I wanna be with him but still im scared that everything is not TRUE. I thought im a cosmowoman who can just be intimate and forget about it but i know i cant.

Im
scared that this will make me love him but then he’d realize im not the
ONE and that he would rather spend his time with someone else and leave
me.

He always tell that i have so much goin on in my life but
truth is, i dont wanna spend it jumping from one man to the other. I
just one thing and hopefully one man.

I know it’s to early to say that i love him and to settle to the idea
that HE is the ONE. but one thing i do know. Im not playing and hope he
is not too.

i created life scenarios. mostly they are with this amazing guy i recently met.

but i know i should stop. i know its not healthy for both of us. mostly for me.

i like to believe that he’s gonna be the perfect man for me but truth of the matter is i dont even know him.

what if he is just playing me?,

what if he see’s me as someone he can have fun with. a friend, an activity partner, sex partner and nothing more?

what if???

what if that day would come, the day that he  finally find that other person that he simple cant live without?

the day that he would leave me?

i know we are not in a relationship. but im afraid. afraid of that day, that conversation and that last goodbye.

i simply could not imagine how painfull that will be.

i know i will be sad and crying.

but will i survive it?

will i survive when he leaves me?

i hope that day wont come.

"It’s usual for a woman who never really had a stablished father figure to demand attention and to constantly ask for validation that someone loves her" DR. Stanley Katz Ph.D.

I have always known about this and no matter how i tried to convince and accept this empty hole in my past. No matter how i try to surpass this issue, i still revert back to the old needy helpless little me. This whole issue of not being liked takes a toll on all other relationships that i have. i have a hard time trusting and believing other genuine affections since what i long for is the primal care that i missed from my dad.

My fondest memory of him when i was still a little girl (HUH???) was when he would drive me to school, when he has dunkin donuts pasalabong for me and my big brother, when we would go the breakwaters of luneta to eat litson manok every other saturday nights, when we dine out and aristocrat will be the place. when we would watch a movie in centerpoint, (rocketeer was the last movie i saw with my dad), when i woke my mom up in the middle of the night coz i wanna see my daddy, i had ear infection then and i wanted to eat at jollybee’s but they were all closed so we went to aristocrat instead and that’s when we realized it was my birthday.

I remember every weekend we would to swimming. Every afternoon, he would take us around our place on our bike. every sunday we are at CCP or luneta. My first boat ride was with him in manila bay and i said i saw a mermaid and he laughed and agreed with me. I remember him holding my hands when we walk or stroll even just to buy bread in the bakery. I love my dad and i know he loves me, its just that it has never been a practice in our family to be mushy and affectionate.

writing this makes me cry coz all my life he was there, but i just couldnt be with him. we missed a lot of years and its hard to start a new. i want him to hold my hand, hold me when im scared, pick me up and throw me in the air when i did something great. and i just wanna lean on him and forget about the time and worries of the future.

"i had my dad all my life. but i didnt had him growing up!"

.