THE GODDESS

i created life scenarios. mostly they are with this amazing guy i recently met.

but i know i should stop. i know its not healthy for both of us. mostly for me.

i like to believe that he’s gonna be the perfect man for me but truth of the matter is i dont even know him.

what if he is just playing me?,

what if he see’s me as someone he can have fun with. a friend, an activity partner, sex partner and nothing more?

what if???

what if that day would come, the day that he  finally find that other person that he simple cant live without?

the day that he would leave me?

i know we are not in a relationship. but im afraid. afraid of that day, that conversation and that last goodbye.

i simply could not imagine how painfull that will be.

i know i will be sad and crying.

but will i survive it?

will i survive when he leaves me?

i hope that day wont come.

"It’s usual for a woman who never really had a stablished father figure to demand attention and to constantly ask for validation that someone loves her" DR. Stanley Katz Ph.D.

I have always known about this and no matter how i tried to convince and accept this empty hole in my past. No matter how i try to surpass this issue, i still revert back to the old needy helpless little me. This whole issue of not being liked takes a toll on all other relationships that i have. i have a hard time trusting and believing other genuine affections since what i long for is the primal care that i missed from my dad.

My fondest memory of him when i was still a little girl (HUH???) was when he would drive me to school, when he has dunkin donuts pasalabong for me and my big brother, when we would go the breakwaters of luneta to eat litson manok every other saturday nights, when we dine out and aristocrat will be the place. when we would watch a movie in centerpoint, (rocketeer was the last movie i saw with my dad), when i woke my mom up in the middle of the night coz i wanna see my daddy, i had ear infection then and i wanted to eat at jollybee’s but they were all closed so we went to aristocrat instead and that’s when we realized it was my birthday.

I remember every weekend we would to swimming. Every afternoon, he would take us around our place on our bike. every sunday we are at CCP or luneta. My first boat ride was with him in manila bay and i said i saw a mermaid and he laughed and agreed with me. I remember him holding my hands when we walk or stroll even just to buy bread in the bakery. I love my dad and i know he loves me, its just that it has never been a practice in our family to be mushy and affectionate.

writing this makes me cry coz all my life he was there, but i just couldnt be with him. we missed a lot of years and its hard to start a new. i want him to hold my hand, hold me when im scared, pick me up and throw me in the air when i did something great. and i just wanna lean on him and forget about the time and worries of the future.

"i had my dad all my life. but i didnt had him growing up!"

.

MALEPIG1: Hi, musta na tagal na natin di nakakapagusap ah?

GODDESS: Buti nman, Bakit mo nman naisipan na kausapin ako ulit???

MALEPIG1: Wala lang, miss na kc kita eh. So makikipagkita kna ba sakin?

GODDESS: No way!

MALEPIG1: Bakit nman, away mo ba akong makasama?

GODDESS: ayoko, ilang beses ko ba sasabihin sayo na ayoko ko nga.

MALEPIG1: Aba, maraming nagkakandarapa na makasama ako noh?

GODDESS: Eh di sila kulitin mo?

MALEPIG1: ayoko sa kanila eh, tsaka anu ba ayaw mo sakin? gwapo nman ako tsaka wag kang magalala, libre na lang to! lib*g talaga ako eh.

GODDESS: Pwede ba, wag mo nakong kulitin.

MALEPIG1: ayaw mo pa? mageenjoy ka naman sakin tpos hindi mo pa kaylangang magbayad.

(HAYUP! kahit yumaman kapa sa pagkabit sa mga matrona at bakla at maafford mo ang proper oral hygiene at paliligo. hinding hindi kita papatulan dahil ako tao, ikaw fungi!)

eto pa ang isa>>>

MALEPIG2: Hi, gud am

GODDESS: gud am, why?

MALEPIG2: wala lang nangangamusta lang. online kaba ngayon?

GODDESS: hindi, bakit?

MALEPIG2: online ka naman oh, paki buksan friendster ko. may papaedit lang ako sayo

GODDESS: kapal nman ng mukha mo, kung wala kang pangonline wag kang naguutos sa iba, tsaka bkit close ba tayo?

MALEPIG2: eto nman, init na nman ng ulo, buti nga tinext kita, kc miss na kita eh. nakita ko nga pla yung bago mong pic. ang ganda mo dun.

GODDESS:>>>>

MALEPIG2: oh bakit hindi kana nagreply? nga pla, paloadan mo nman ako oh, kahit 60 lang, alam mo nman number ko diba?

GODDESS: ang kapal talaga ng mukha mo! pede ba kung wala kang pera, wag kang magcellphone!

"alam ko dahil sa stereotype eto pero pede ba, mashado ako maganda para tratuhin niong matrona o desperada"